On Comparison, Owning Your Choices, and Reframing the College Application Process

If you are an upcoming senior planning to attend college, you might find yourself in a state of comparison and regret. As the college application season approaches, you may not feel prepared to highlight your achievements and regret the opportunities you missed. You compare yourself to classmates with outstanding grades, award lists so extensive they span multiple pages, consistent extracurricular involvement, and volunteer hours comparable to those of a middle-aged adult. You feel driven to improve and aim for admission to a good college, but you worry it might be too late to enhance your application. These thought patterns can decrease your motivation to start the process, undermine your confidence, and are simply inaccurate.

Honor Your Journey

When we compare, we suggest that our worth and value are defined solely by how we stack up against others. Our value is often assessed through a winner/loser mindset, with success or failure frequently judged by quantitative measures. Arbitrary societal timelines also influence these assessments. Many people carry the habit of comparison and conforming to societal expectations well into adulthood. Why not begin now, taking ownership of your decisions and respecting the timeline of your own journey? Why not assess your worth and future based on your own values and goals? By respecting your timeline, you show compassion to your younger self and acknowledge the path you have taken, whether by choice, circumstances beyond your control, or a mix of both. You also honor who you are and the potential for growth that accompanies your journey.

Changing Course Yields Surprising Fruit

It's never too late to make a meaningful change in your life, whether it be engaging more in your classes, starting your own service project by asking your elderly neighbor if they need help with their yard, or exploring an interest or a new friendship that you've been curious about. Engaging in the process of evaluating your life, setting goals, and changing course will be a lifelong practice. And remember, changing course doesn't need to be a 180-degree turn or a complete overhaul of your entire life; it can be and often is more sustainable when the changes are small and gradual. A mindset shift, one new activity, and enhancing your study habits by incorporating one new practice. Small habit adjustments or one value-added activity are significant changes. Celebrate the fact that you feel a greater sense of motivation and are excited about what's next, living a little bit more intentionally. Know that even if these changes don't necessarily benefit your college pursuit, they are important in your overall development as a human. Becoming more aware of what you want and what is important to you extends beyond the college application process. And the fruit of this awareness will grow if you tend to it.

Reframe The Process

Often, the college application process, especially the task of writing the essays, is something to get through. A necessary evil. What if the process was less of a means to an end but something that is valuable for its own sake? What if you knew that the mining or excavation of your life could reap benefits for your mental health, be helpful in figuring out what you want to major in, and what career might be a good fit? Would you feel more motivated and driven by purpose?

When I brainstorm with my clients to help them generate essay topics, they often discover things about themselves they didn't know before. Writing often leads to surprises, much like the artifacts discovered by an archaeologist. Even writing this blog, I have discovered something about myself that I will take with me. Uncovering these surprises is the first step. Next, we must make sense of what we find. Why does it matter? How might it apply to other parts of my life? What does it say about how I might show up to college and beyond? For example, if a student writes about her role as the secretary of her school's Amnesty Club, she will find parts of herself in that story that she might not have considered before. Her thinking and writing will likely reveal parts of her personality, abilities, and interests that have far more applications than just taking meeting notes. Or what about the kid who became interested in soil health by helping his grandmother every planting season? As you write (the writing in this phase will be lists and terribly written brain dumps) about these moments and experiences, you are mining them for meaning and a deeper understanding of who you are and what you have to offer yourself and the world. Reframe the process as an end in and of itself. Reframe it as an archeological dig in which you are uncovering surprises that will enhance and expand your self-image and offer clues about next steps.

Question Your Assumptions

Do you assume there's one right answer for your college career? Do you feel like you have one shot to make the right decision or you're doomed to fail? Do you have a narrow view of what makes a school good? Do you believe that the purpose of your application is to compete, to be as impressive and better than other students as possible? It's understandable that many students operate with these assumptions as their guiding motivation. It's the fruit of capitalism and the scarcity mentality at play in the college application process. Here are the talk-back truths to widely held assumptions that create more stress and anxiety than is actually necessary:

1. You can change your mind and switch schools at any time, but be as transparent as possible with your parents about your plans.

2. Schools are neither good nor bad. They are a good or a less good fit for you, depending on things like your financial situation, your academic and career goals, and whether you prefer the energy of a large university or the intimacy of a small college or somewhere in between.

3. The goal of the college application is to represent you as best as you can. The goal as you write your essays is not to try to be impressive, but to be yourself. To be specific and authentic, you. That will actually get you much further in getting accepted into a college that is right for you, where you thrive and belong.

4. If your application isn't strong enough quantitatively to get into a certain college, it doesn't mean you lack intelligence or potential. It may mean that particular school isn't the best fit for you. Nonetheless, it's always worth a shot! I understand the disappointment as a writer who sends stories to and receives rejections from journals and magazines that are considered more selective. I understand the disappointment and self-doubt. However, I persist because you never know what will strike a chord with an editor. Likewise, you can't always be sure what a college is looking for in any given school year. Your unique perspective, experiences, and academic interests might be just what they are looking for in a student.

Focus on What You Have Control Over

Ultimately, all you can do is your best. Focus on what you can control in the present moment. Be present with what is possible, considering your past choices and current options. You can't sign up for a bunch of activities to seem more appealing, significantly improve your GPA, or force a higher SAT or ACT score. If you feel behind and your high school resume isn't what you hoped for as a rising senior, the essays are your best opportunity to stand out. Use them to showcase who you are, rather than what you've done, to enhance your chances of getting into one of your top-choice colleges.

One last thought: I'll be honest, high school is hard enough without the pressure to have an impressive resume. Many of us have challenges beyond grades and test scores. If you feel the need to slow things down, two alternative paths that can open up future options are attending a community college for a semester or two or delaying your college journey by working or planning a structured gap year. Beginning your college career at a community college is often overlooked and underrated. The truth is it can save you money, give you the opportunity to decide where you want to pursue your undergraduate degree, what you might want to study, or tend to your mental health. And the time, if used with intention, can make you a better student. Remember, there are many right answers and numerous paths that lead to your future. Don't get hung up on what your path should or shouldn't look like based on what other people around you are doing.

"Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken." Oscar Wilde